My Broken Heart (by Mama)

It has been almost four weeks since Eliza and Jordan made our family complete. Gigi had been waiting for months for her baby brother and baby sister...kissing them every day, sometimes more than once a day. We were so happy the morning they were born, except that their Daddy was missing because he was on his way back from visiting his parents in Florida. But, we knew we would all be together soon and when we were, it was perfect.


My world came crashing down around me six days later. I still wonder if this is all real. Eliza was just perfect. She was the spitting image of Gigi at her age. She had such soft features and blonde hair. She was going to be the perfect younger sister for Gigi and Jordan.


I am so sad. We are so sad. And yet, we have so much to celebrate. How is it possible to celebrate and grieve all at the same time? For the past three weeks, I have chosen to celebrate Jordan and all that is good in my life. It was easier to do because I had my parents here with me. And, although there was nothing specific that they have done, the fact that they are here has been a crutch for me to lean on....and has enabled me to be strong and continue living life in spite of the fact that I am dealing with probably the worst grief I will ever have to deal with....burying a child and saying goodbye before I barely had a chance to say hello.


Tomorrow, my parents go home. And, I feel a little bit like a young child...worried that I won't be okay without them. In reality, I know I will be okay. I have to be. But, honestly, I am worried about how I will handle it when Gigi brings up Eliza. She hasn't done it often, but she still does on occasion. I worry about when she wants me to read the story about Dora the Explorer who need to get home because her Mama had twins (a baby brother and baby sister). Time is supposed to heal, but somehow I wonder if time will make it more real and therefore hurt more.